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My pain was manageable for some time, there. Like, I started to think maybe I should start trying to find a job again for a few days a week and maybe this whole episode was all going to go away and I was going to be fine. Maybe Professor Doctor was totally right and all I need to do is take my time and get to physical therapy and everything will work itself out. Nothing’s wrong at all.

Then Christmas happened and the last two days have been full of pain. I didn’t do anything crazy. I cooked, I laughed. We sat around and watched Harry Potter and the star Wars Holiday Special.

My back hasn’t “gone out,” but today it’s really, really uncomfortable. Every little twinge and spasm sends a shock of terror through my entire body that my back is going to go out and I’m going to be useless for 10 hours. I don’t want to feel that pain, I don’t want to go back there. This is so miserable. I can’t stop crying. I have felt like I was on borrowed time for weeks. I don’t deserve to have made it this far without an episode so my body is revolting and trying desperately to make me miserable.

Not coping well, lately.

Selfie 6

I made my appointment with a spinal specialist and will be seeing him next week. Spent the day kind of reeling, still, from everything. It’s hard to see how the rest of my life looks from here. It’s hard to concentrate on law school applications when I don’t know where I’ll be 6 months from now. It’s hard to think about the fact that we booked a flight to Puerto Rico and 12 days in a beautiful artist’s retreat in Viejo San Juan for an extremely belated honeymoon (not to mention the first vacation we’ve ever taken in our adult lives, ever,) when I have no idea what it will be like to be alive during June 2017.

Just got to keep all of my parts together.


See: Selfie 5


I’ve taken care of a baby jade plant, as part of my greener family, for the better part of three years, now.

She’s sick. Her leaves are curling up and turning black and falling off. Her beautiful, once-strong branches and drooping and the leaves keep going from light green to dark green and back as she struggles to survive. I’ve cut her back so far and removed so much dead or decaying material that she’s hardly recognizable. I took her out of old oil and gave her new soil.

She LOVED the old window in our old apartment. She doesn’t seem to quite love the light in any of the windows in our new apartment.

Maybe I shouldn’t feel as sad as I do about this. It’s just a plant, right? But, maybe, it’s a death nonetheless and that’s what’s getting to me.


Someone online, a friend of a friend, just responded to a comment saying, “Well, half the population is below average, so there’s that.”

But, like, if you’re taking into account the entire population to find an average, won’t half of the people always, necessarily be “below average”? Otherwise, how do you find the average?

Is this just me? Nit picking?