My pain was manageable for some time, there. Like, I started to think maybe I should start trying to find a job again for a few days a week and maybe this whole episode was all going to go away and I was going to be fine. Maybe Professor Doctor was totally right and all I need to do is take my time and get to physical therapy and everything will work itself out. Nothing’s wrong at all.

Then Christmas happened and the last two days have been full of pain. I didn’t do anything crazy. I cooked, I laughed. We sat around and watched Harry Potter and the star Wars Holiday Special.

My back hasn’t “gone out,” but today it’s really, really uncomfortable. Every little twinge and spasm sends a shock of terror through my entire body that my back is going to go out and I’m going to be useless for 10 hours. I don’t want to feel that pain, I don’t want to go back there. This is so miserable. I can’t stop crying. I have felt like I was on borrowed time for weeks. I don’t deserve to have made it this far without an episode so my body is revolting and trying desperately to make me miserable.

Not coping well, lately.

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